Romance, Dark-Skin Spaces and Personal Accountability
Meri:
Greetings MissJay,
Can you clarify your use of the word “softness”?
Dani37:
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I also don’t believe there is and can be any sisterhood between dark skinned women because most times the bond formed is not about addressing their own biases, but a sort of victim club. Sharing the sorrow to half the agony.
Can you expand on your thought of the "victim club" behaviours by the darker skinned woman? I am asking because in my understanding in order to address biases, unfair demands, internalization and manifestation of the negative narratives and to develop a somewhat unified and comprehensive response to their issues these women would have to create a space where they can become vulnerable, share and offer to each-other that same sought after "softness" before it can be demanded from anyone else. To me, when or if that conversation about creating that space occurs darker skinned women are often silenced and shamed for even venturing to firstly desire that space or acknowledge that even amongst her own she has no value. So when there is a call for accountability and responsibility that would first require acknowledgment of not only the "bad behaviours" but also an examination of the causes and in dealing with the causes require the creation of spaces to address same i.e. self healing and self loving spaces to provide the desired "softness" might be seen as a "victim club" to women who are shamed for not being the superhuman, inferior, it gives me pause and makes me want to understand the thought process in order to expand my own.
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Dealing with this issue can’t be done like white feminism where a certain group of white women take their concerns and paint them to be the only concerns for all women. Our positions in social hierarchies need to be taken into account even if we are the recipients of the brunt of racism and sexism. We are not exempt from all these biases like racism, colorism, classism, elitism, sexism, ageism, ableism, sizeism, etc. The rankings work like a double edged sword, where on one end we are ‘hurt’ and on the other we feel justified to hurt others, whether intentionally or otherwise.
I agree that this issue cannot and should not be treated as an exclusive issue to dark skinned people (women in particular as we all acknowledge the brunt falls heaviest on her) but can't we multi task? Can we not simultaneously acknowledge and work to address our people's issues all the while demanding respect and change for these very real internal issues? Issues which affect a significant portion of our community to the point that it created some of these said hierarchies and denies very real world access to darker skinned persons and compounds the other discriminations and wrong perceptions that are held about our race and presents as more insidious because we have to deal with everyone else AND OUR PEOPLE'S PREJUDICES? There are more of us darker skinned persons than the "brown and lighter" therefore the ease with which this issue is dismissed creates very real resentment and "hold backs" to us, as a people, functioning in a unified manner....therefore it has to be seriously but not exclusively addressed.
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For many people, including dark skinned people, if God were presented to them in the form of an ordinary looking African person (especially with indigenous African features) they would not want that softness from him/her.
This is too true, too sad and increases the urgency for these issues to be addressed....this is us rejecting us, the organic us and we have to address this very real enemy within.
This lack of softness is especially sad and disheartening when dealing with the male/female interaction and the feelings of rejection of feminine vulnerabilities that are afforded all BUT US...there is a feeling of abandonment....which creates even more vulnerabilities and insensitivity all of which is not "ok" to express. The mental, emotional and spiritual burden of this silence is too much to ask far less be demanded and not expect there to be manifestations of that trauma.
Zaynab:
Greetings MissJay,
While reading your last post, the excerpt below stood out to me:
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But, even like-minded others are not exempt from communication failure when both person-perception and self-perception are in progress. Surely, care for that softness is not always at the top of the list, though I argue that it has to be.
I don’t think the concept of “like-minded” people can exist without addressing persons’ own expectations and motivations for desiring such associations. More often than not, groups which claim to have focused objectives fall apart because one or more persons place their individual interests before that of the group. Persons usually bide their time, waiting for that big pay-out or fulfilment of their personal agendas until such associations can no longer be sustained. Hence, these groups rarely exhibit a cohesive conscience. Many black groups that claim to be about black pride and unity are often doomed to a similar fate due to unaddressed racism and colourism, and the individualistic agendas of many involved taking prominence over the cause. Like a diseased body, they collapse from the inside out.
I believe the word “softness” as used in your first contribution seems to be about romantic feelings or attachments (correct me if I am wrong). Although ‘romance’ could have a place while engaging resistance and self-development, I disagree with your point that it has to be at the top of the list when dealing with a resistance movement and conscious development. Some people claim to want to build the community but usually stick around to fulfil their own agendas. If two persons who claim to be of like-mind engage in a reasoning, one can often get where the other is coming from. Miscommunication can stem from people having different motives, emotional baggage, insecurities and superiority complexes which can manifest itself in feelings of disrespect.
Persons who are somewhat comfortable in their own skins due to ‘confidence’ with their body and academic achievements can make unfair demands on others based on their feelings of entitlement. These persons often cannot cope when the attention they believe they deserve is not given. On the other hand, people who are usually dismissed because of their size, race and colour are accustomed to working much harder for attention and other material rewards. This could be an agonising experience if internal biases are not addressed.
Nakandi:
Dani37,
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Can you expand on your thought of the "victim club" behaviours by the darker skinned woman? I am asking because in my understanding in order to address biases, unfair demands, internalization and manifestation of the negative narratives and to develop a somewhat unified and comprehensive response to their issues these women would have to create a space where they can become vulnerable, share and offer to each-other that same sought after "softness" before it can be demanded from anyone else. To me, when or if that conversation about creating that space occurs darker skinned women are often silenced and shamed for even venturing to firstly desire that space or acknowledge that even amongst her own she has no value. So when there is a call for accountability and responsibility that would first require acknowledgment of not only the "bad behaviours" but also an examination of the causes and in dealing with the causes require the creation of spaces to address same i.e. self healing and self loving spaces to provide the desired "softness" might be seen as a "victim club" to women who are shamed for not being the superhuman, inferior, it gives me pause and makes me want to understand the thought process in order to expand my own.
With "a sort of victim club" I meant that it is a place where people congregate and feel safe, but not necessarily work on their biases. It is worth remembering that while there is the external fight against racism, colorism and other biases, there is a simultaneous internal fight against the same. Without dealing with internalized racism and colorism properly, consciously if you will, no real bonding is formed, and definitely no real healing takes place. Sharing experiences and being heard is an important part of the solution as it helps with voicing fears and frustrations. It arms one with a language for their struggle, a language that people outside that experience might never fathom and are unwilling to learn. However, that is only part of the work.
Most times that sharing and attention is not enough precisely because of the internalized racism and colorism. The feeling of support from those who look like us soon dissipates as the support and attention most of us want is from those closer to the Eurocentric ideal. Those who we too value just like everyone else. Which brings me back to the comment I made in my first reply, we make invisible those who look like us. If our gaze is mainly on a certain group of people, we should be understanding of others doing the same. If we think their gaze should change, then so should ours.
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To me, when or if that conversation about creating that space occurs darker skinned women are often silenced and shamed for even venturing to firstly desire that space or acknowledge that even amongst her own she has no value. So when there is a call for accountability and responsibility that would first require acknowledgment of not only the "bad behaviours" but also an examination of the causes and in dealing with the causes require the creation of spaces to address same i.e. self healing and self loving spaces to provide the desired "softness" might be seen as a "victim club" to women who are shamed for not being the superhuman, inferior, it gives me pause and makes me want to understand the thought process in order to expand my own.
It is too true that when dark skinned women demand attention or shed light on their experiences within their communities they are silenced and sometimes chastised for seeing themselves as deserving.
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I agree that this issue cannot and should not be treated as an exclusive issue to dark skinned people (women in particular as we all acknowledge the brunt falls heaviest on her) but can't we multi task? Can we not simultaneously acknowledge and work to address our people's issues all the while demanding respect and change for these very real internal issues? Issues which affect a significant portion of our community to the point that it created some of these said hierarchies and denies very real world access to darker skinned persons and compounds the other discriminations and wrong perceptions that are held about our race and presents as more insidious because we have to deal with everyone else AND OUR PEOPLE'S PREJUDICES? There are more of us darker skinned persons than the "brown and lighter" therefore the ease with which this issue is dismissed creates very real resentment and "hold backs" to us, as a people, functioning in a unified manner....therefore it has to be seriously but not exclusively addressed.
I am not of the "we are all one" mindset, so I do not agree with you here. Race, skin tone, class, sex, age, size, shape, hair texture, facial features, academic rank, etc, all play a role in how people are perceived and how they perceive themselves. Zaynab put it very well here, “the lived experiences of dark skinned blacks cannot be easily understood nor appreciated by ones of other hues. Hence, it is often dismissed and devalued. In a pro-white patriarchal system, black women and to a greater degree short, fat, kinky haired, dark skinned black women face the brunt of society’s racial and gendered biases.” This necessitates for us to deal with this issue separately, and even on an individual basis.
I am actually in the support of private reasonings on these issues among dark skinned people, especially women. This is to prevent people outside that lived experience from using these very experiences against dark skinned people.
I would like to add that by no means does this mean the onus of dealing with these biases is solely on dark skinned people.
MissJay,
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It seems as though you have developed new coping strategies from the kinds of feedback that you presently receive. How did you find your way out of that maze? And how is that growth reflected presently in your own perceptions of the self?
Outside conscious development, “coping” and tolerating is what most people can do. It is of course not a given that once one starts consciously developing self-acceptance and self-love is realized. However, self development aids in traversing the conditioning and lack of integrity that allows the biases to foster.
Nakandi:
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I believe the word “softness” as used in your first contribution seems to be about romantic feelings or attachments (correct me if I am wrong). Although ‘romance’ could have a place while engaging resistance and self-development, I disagree with your point that it has to be at the top of the list when dealing with a resistance movement and conscious development. Some people claim to want to build the community but usually stick around to fulfil their own agendas. If two persons who claim to be of like-mind engage in a reasoning, one can often get where the other is coming from.
If "softness" in fact means romantic feelings or attachments in this context, then I would like to emphasize the importance of what Zaynab writes there. These western romantic notions are not reflective of what it takes to build a community, let alone dealing with resistance. They only serve to feed egocentric desires - desires deeply imbued with racism. Indigenous peoples who valued the communal whole over the individual did not place a premium on romantic feelings over what they saw were greater advantages to their societies. Even though they did not have it all worked out, their emotions were more aligned to practicality. The benefits of these unions usually extended to the wider society.
The notion of putting romantic feelings above what is in the best interest of the community and by extension the society is a very recent and not well thought out Eurocentric idea. Most dysfunctional relationships today are a product of this thinking of putting romantic feelings first without working out what is in the best interest of everyone. Many people struggle in such relationships and many children today have been born into these dysfunctional relationships, and grow into adults with dysfunctional mentalities.
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