Romance, Dark-Skin Spaces and Personal Accountability
MissJay:
"Strong Enough" concepts from the privileged seat of her velveted dark skin
>:( :'(
It is a curious sensation reserved only for those who wear the velvet of dark skin. It is a sensation that always seems to emanate from deep within the underside of that velvet, an incarnate type of ancestral pain that resides just beneath the surface of our velveted dark skin. This pain, though exceptionally exquisite, creates a stunningly remarkable mirror that simultaneously reveals and conceals the dark skin that the world sees, the velvet, and the beautiful layer that few seldom describe to others, the underside of that velvet.
Perhaps the mirror that divides the expression of this dark skin is intended to refract the concept of “strong enough” across two realms of identity, because hers is always experienced in the invisibility of plain sight while his has given to them both, gendered reflections of strength and love through the lens of the velveted dark skin male. But there exists a quality of softness and vulnerability in the mirrored lens of dark-skin females, the underside of that velveted dark skin, that is seldom acknowledged when concepts of strength and softness intersect.
Often without the dignity of an explanation, the expectation of strength concepts unapologetically comes to dark skinned women whenever they are told that others need more assistance than they do, when they are told that they can take care of themselves, when they are told to be resourceful and find a way to fix their problems. These are but a few of the messages that speak to us from the other side of that mirror. He expects her to be “strong enough” to grow the same velveted dark skin that society requires of him. Acting--albeit implicitly--as a complicit branch of a society that finds very little to be valued in the beauty and experiential wisdom of she, our men make even less of minimizing our feelings instead of validating them, and negating our experiences of a lifetime of being set last above all things instead of learning from them, by boldly asking us to quench our opinions in strength when the softness within summons the ancestral pain that resides just beneath the surface, always.
When does that softness get cared for? Certainly not in those moments when that softness is rendered invisible under the less melanated cloak of black male logic and single-minded reason. Perhaps it is they who understand the experiences of dark-skinned women the least. If not in the strength and under the protection of he, then when? When does this softness get cared for? Who are we supposed to lean on when gendered notions of masculine strength and feminine softness manifest “strong enough” concepts of dark-skinned womanhood? Even we are taught to hide this softness from each other as women in strength.
It is a curious sensation reserved only for those whom the mirror steeps in this exceptionally exquisite pain. When that right to softness is denied, it is precisely this sensation that reaches up from the belly of that ancestral privilege and depth of perspective to cast its long shadow on her velveted dark skin.
Nakandi:
Interracial discrimination (racism and colorism), intra-racial discrimination (racism and colorism), sexism and ageism dictate that dark skinned people are to have superhuman traits, yet remain inferior to all other peoples. These are attitudes held by both non-dark skinned and dark skinned people.
Because of internalized racism, colorism and sexism which makes them accept inferiority, many dark skinned females take pride in meeting those expectations because they think only then can they acquire a status resembling human. Likewise, because of the aforementioned biases and homophobia, dark skinned males know not of any other way to be. And again, because of their accepted inferior status, they most often than not strive to meet those expectations themselves.
"When does that softness get cared for?"
In the unconsciously developing world, few people acknowledge that softness, let alone care for. Racism and colorism are continuously recycled and packaged differently, but at the end of the day the dark skinned female is to be superhuman but maintain an inferior status, to herself and everyone else.
The experience of softness has been denied dark skinned people, both males and females, for so long that once they show it they are shamed for it. They are pathologized for feeling it. They are blamed for the negativity of their communities, both close and distant.
I don’t believe there is and can be any sisterhood between dark and non-dark skinned women because racism is never dealt with properly. Not sisterhood that is based on deep appreciation of each other, anyways. I also don’t believe there is and can be any sisterhood between dark skinned women because most times the bond formed is not about addressing their own biases, but a sort of victim club. Sharing the sorrow to half the agony.
On further reflection, there must be room for personal responsibility and accountability. Sometimes the ‘agony’ is self-imposed or a kind of delusion.
Even if few people acknowledge that softness, both male and female, and want to care for the dark skinned woman, even fewer are seen by the same dark skinned woman.
For instance, being a continental dark skinned woman, class, academic rank and ethnicity used to play a big role in whom I recognized and accepted attention from. Even if their intentions were not necessarily ‘good’ or ‘innocent’, I could not acknowledge that they were giving me attention, rendering them invisible. Yet invisibility was the exact same demon I was agonizing over. So I self imposed the agony based on a superiority complex (they were not worthy of my time) within an inferiority complex (I was not worthy to those I see as worthy of my time).
Dealing with this issue can’t be done like white feminism where a certain group of white women take their concerns and paint them to be the only concerns for all women. Our positions in social hierarchies need to be taken into account even if we are the recipients of the brunt of racism and sexism. We are not exempt from all these biases like racism, colorism, classism, elitism, sexism, ageism, ableism, sizeism, etc. The rankings work like a double edged sword, where on one end we are ‘hurt’ and on the other we feel justified to hurt others, whether intentionally or otherwise.
For many people, including dark skinned people, if God were presented to them in the form of an ordinary looking African person (especially with indigenous African features) they would not want that softness from him/her.
Zaynab:
Greetings MissJay,
The lived experiences of dark skinned blacks cannot be easily understood nor appreciated by ones of other hues. Hence, it is often dismissed and devalued. In a pro-white patriarchal system, black women and to a greater degree short, fat, kinky haired, dark skinned black women face the brunt of society’s racial and gendered biases.
Dark skinned black females that do not conform to Eurocentric beauty standards cannot play the damsel-in-distress, nor rely on their sex to receive sympathy. Hence, these females are inevitably left with a sink or swim ultimatum. Some people exhibit coping mechanisms that can be viewed as strength as a consequence of this.
While this is the ugly truth of racial, colour and gender biases it can provide an opportunity for developing self-reliance and independence. Black males are often too taken up with making their own claims and fighting invisibility in a society that does not favour them (though a patriarchal system will favour black males over black females) to be concerned with the plight of dark skinned black females.
The question is, should one want to show “softness” or seek validation in a space that does not favour, appreciate or consider one?
MissJay:
Greetings Nakandi & Zaynab,
I really enjoyed reading your comments on this topic.
Nakandi: You raised some really strong points about the perceptions people hold of dark-skinned others--both at the interracial and intra-racial level. You note the typicality of the inherent contradiction in these perceptions: the diametrically opposed notions of possessing superhuman traits and inferior personhood. I would add that these perceptions do not just give rise to attitudes, they also give rise to beliefs and action. I often wonder about the complement to this dilemma: how does person perception affect self-perception? You offer possibilities from the perspective of those who may have internalized a number of -isms, but what of the self-perceptions of those who subscribe to resistance against these various -isms? This is part of that softness to which I was speaking. When do our self-perceptions get cared for? If the level of feedback we constantly receive in the world function like "mirrors" that we then use to build coping strategies, then we know that those coping strategies work to shape a more or less stable sense of identity over time. This is where your point about personal responsibility and accountability really takes shape for me. To what extent is the "agony" self-imposed, when the messages that come to us from the mirror are very real, not imagined, as you suggest? We cannot escape our mirrors; social interaction, after all is a necessary part of the human condition. At best, we can control who we would like to see in the mirror when that image is reflected back at us by surrounding ourselves like-minded others. But, even like-minded others are not exempt from communication failure when both person-perception and self-perception are in progress. Surely, care for that softness is not always at the top of the list, though I argue that it has to be. Moreover, I am told that no-one is above the messages and social conditioning that shape our macrosystems--as you suggest in your own personal example of a behavioral contradiction. We absorb much of that information on an implicit level and act on them in ways that we cannot always account for immediately. It seems as though you have developed new coping strategies from the kinds of feedback that you presently receive. How did you find your way out of that maze? And how is that growth reflected presently in your own perceptions of the self?
Zaynab: Your point made me think of coping mechanisms and identity formation. You rightfully point out that the lived experiences (very important) of dark-skinned peoples are seldom understood, or appreciated--and I would add accounted for--by those of different hues. This lack of understanding, appreciation, and failure to account for, our lived experiences can be communicated to us, even during the simplest of social interactions. However, to your point about biases, there are at least two sides to every possibility. While there is opportunity in developing self-reliance and independence, there is vulnerability in making those strides as well (i.e. the softness). In my view, it (being cared for) isn't necessarily about seeking validation at all. Perhaps it has more to do with the desire to want to protect one's developing self-perception, rather than showing it. Though we seldom describe this process to others, I believe it holds in it both opportunity and vulnerability.
To undergo this process in a space that does appreciate the lived experiences of dark skinned blacks in general, and dark-skinned women, in particular, is indeed, a privilege for those who know where to find it. So I thank you both for what feels like a warm hug in a space like this.
leslie:
Very interesting discussion.
Given that the thread has involved dark-skin women thus far, I will preface my contribution by stating that I am considered brown-skin.
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This is where your point about personal responsibility and accountability really takes shape for me. To what extent is the "agony" self-imposed, when the messages that come to us from the mirror are very real, not imagined, as you suggest? We cannot escape our mirrors; social interaction, after all is a necessary part of the human condition.
While larger society plays a great role in the messaging of anti-black and other biases, people, including those of darker hues, must also take ownership of the fact that they too have internalised and perpetuated these prejudices. In other words, while there are certainly external factors that influence people’s character, by accepting and enforcing these biases also makes us culpable. With conscious development, persons can attain the tools to properly assess past and current behaviours, as well as their experiences, to become less complicit in self/person prejudice.
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You offer possibilities from the perspective of those who may have internalized a number of -isms, but what of the self-perceptions of those who subscribe to resistance against these various -isms? . . . . When do our self-perceptions get cared for?
Resisting “isms” as you so described does not mean that one has totally overcome them. Most who feel that they are resisting the system still harbour biases that place people into different social brackets and treat people based on such. Further, resistance may be used as a shield or mask to deal with insecurities rather than addressing them. Thus, there is no special treatment for those who claim to resist the system where conscious development is concerned. Just like everybody else, they too must do the work to improve self- and people-perception.
As to your point on getting cared for: people are conditioned (poorly) about what being cared for looks like. It is often the same Eurocentric package inclusive of the massaging of egos, pat on the backs, unmeritocratic attention and affection, and so on. Based on these strongly embedded ideas, it is often difficult to perceive that being properly cared for is not always about tangible rewards or favour.
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