Jesus, the dog and the snake

Jesus, the dog and the snake: A parable

Jesus lived in Bethlehem, the strong and virile son of Mary and Joseph. He was a carpenter. As a good Hebrew, he studied a lot. He was interested in engineering and medicine, as many great people have been before and since, that is, great contributors to human culture by virtue of ensuring human health.

One day he had a vision. An ancient Hebrew prophet spoke to him about a sacred oil using a sacred herb that had been forgotten. The Hebrew, who was a khemite, showed him the herb and said, “go forth, Jesus, and heal the sick and house the poor with your great talent as an engineer (glory to Ptah) and Physician.

Jesus went to some friends of his and said, “let’s form a cannabis club and make this oil for the sick so as to heal them. The herb grows all over the place, we just have to grow and cultivate it in a special way. I have figured out how to construct a distilling device for reducing it to holy oil, so it can be rubbed on the body or ingested. The prophet of my vision told me all the benefits it has and in which part of the body it works best. I have compiled a book of healing called, “Jesus way of the sacred herb”, that anyone can read. Once the word is spread, we will be a healthier, happier people and better able to resist Roman imperialism!”

Jesus had good friends who respected him and he set about with their help on this course of action with excellent results. He even healed a wretched prostitute named Gertrude, who became devoted to him, standing by his side to protect and support him no matter what, considering the state she had been in. One of his friends, Judas, thought they should patent the herb oil and make a lot of money out if, like the alchemists at the Hebrew temple, who concocted so called remedies out of noxious fumes and chemicals they teased out of various compounds dug from the earth or wrested by torture from living animals. The alchemists were supported by the Pharisees, who were lawyers, judges and bankers.

“Judas, you fool, go join them if you wish, do you not see that by all rising in total health together we will become more powerful and resist the Roman scourge, yet by your way we will continue to be weak from the poisons of the alchemists, thus you will become rich, but at what expense to our freedom and liberty as Hebrews!” Judas did not like being scolded by Jesus thus, but held his tongue.

Meanwhile, the Pharisees and the alchemists were getting word of this upstart Jesus. So was Pontius Pilate. Pilate was not a bad man, he, however, let the Pharisees and the alchemists have their way, it paid off in the Roman tradition to not meddle in domestic matters, especially if it benefited the Roman pax in keeping people just healthy enough to pay tribute through work, but not excessive energy with which they might rebel.

Pilate himself had a Greek doctor, her name was Hillary. Hillary prescribed him only two medicines, which he took regularly. One was, she had thought, a secret only meant for the elite, the same as Jesus sacred oil and the other was oil of oregano, a Greek herb that cleansed the blood and bowels of all manner of growing things. Pilate was strong as a bull and intimidating to the Hebrews medicated on the poisons of the Alchemists, who thrived on keeping patients sick with their potions and prescribing them addictive narcotics from time to time which made them feel better but only briefly. It made the Pharisees a lot of money to decorate themselves and the temple. Pilate reasoned the whole scheme was good for Rome. Jesus was a threat.

One day, the alchemist Talmud was in need of the essence of tortured animal and there was a menagerie behind the temple of all manner of yelping and yowling creatures to be used for experiments and to derive potions to be ingested or injected into patients by all sorts of horrible means. He decided he needed a powerful dog as a test subject. One had been brought in, although a dog it looked more like a wolf and was very hard to control. Perfect, he thought, this dog’s vitality was sure to make a good potion. Rather than go into detail, let it suffice to say that the dog, whose name was Snuffy, was subjected to the most abominable treatment, its blood was let out for potions, pus from its wounds were made into potions, tears from its eyes were used, well, you get the picture.

Snuffy would howl at night like a wolf in vain, she was so miserable and wanted to die. One night, in her pen, Snuffy looked up at an especially bright star in the heavens, the star Sirius. She howled at the star. She howled and howled and howled, hoping she would die and fly to that star finally at peace. A whirlwind appeared from the desert just then and struck the pen , tearing it down and Snuffy escaped!

A week later, nearly dead and horribly disfigured by experiments and infection, Snuffy ran into Jesus and his friends walking between towns. Snuffy laid down in the road, hoping the men and Gertrude would put an end to her, a swift club to the head and she would fly to Sirius. But Jesus took a liking to Snuffy even in her terrible condition, bent down over her and said, “this dog has been in the hands of the Pharisees and Alchemists, I know this , somehow, and we must cure her.”

Jesus friend Paul said, “OK, you’ve gone to far, let’s just dispatch the beast, it’s the kindest thing.”

Jesus said, “no Paul, please, think again, if we cure this dog, imagine the respect we will get with the goat herders, it’s good for business.”

And then, Snuffy spoke to Jesus, without speaking, and only he could hear. “My name is Snuffy, thank you Jesus, If you cure me, I will always be at your side and defend you against the Pharisees and the Alchemists!”

“OK, Snuffy”, Jesus said, and he and his friends cured her. The Alchemists heard about it. They were furious. Talmud said to his animal collectors, “we need stronger medicine to challenge this stupid Jesus. Let’s get all the poisonous and non poisonous snakes we can find in the farmers’ fields and take their blood and poison for new potions!”

The result of this program was devastating to the local farmers. By capturing and killing thousands of snakes in order to sell Talmud’s special “Snake Oil” , which was to compete with Jesus’s herb oil, rats and mice proliferated, causing disease and famine as usual. Even Pilate was concerned about the drop off in agricultural production, these Pharisees had gone too far, he thought, but he was lazy and had a fine Hebrew mistress, so he let it go on for the awhile.

Jesus, Snuffy and Gertrude were on the road one day when, all of a sudden, a huge cobra came out from the bushes, spread his crown and confronted them. He was so long that his head was stretched nearly to the height of a man. He spoke to Jesus, without speaking, so only Jesus could hear. Snuffy and Gertrude seemed hypnotized and did not utter a sound or show fear while the snake spoke.

“Dammit, Jesus, we always had a deal with the Egyptians and even these stupid Hebrews, leave us alone, we catch the rodents and we prosper together by working together!”

“That is wise, oh serpent, can I quote you on that?” said Jesus, “just what has been the problem lately, pray tell?” The serpent told him of Talmud’s misdeeds and Jesus was shocked. “Those stupid Pharisees,” he said. The cobra slithered off, having delivered his message on behalf of snake kind. Gertrude said, “Jesus, I think we should go to the temple and see what this is all about!”

“Ruff! Ruff!” agreed Snuffy. So the three of them went together.

Jesus was appalled at what he saw at the icon of their culture, the Hebrew Temple. Well, we all know the story about what he did and said! Meanwhile, Judas was plotting with the Alchemists for a big payday. How could they get rid of Jesus and make him out to be the bad guy?

“He talks to animals!” said Judas. Sure sign of Satan, said the Pharisees. “He says he heals with sacred oil from a mere plant, not accepted under the laws of medicine laid down by the Alchemists!” Oh yes, said the Pharisees, that must be punished but it won’t get rid of him.

“Well, I will let you in, then on a secret! He claims he is the ‘son of god’ and the messiah come at last, it is blasphemy of the highest order!”

Crucify Him, they all said! Pontius Pilate’s physician, Hillary, agreed and counseled Pilate on the matter. “Pontius, we don’t want the riff raff getting too healthy and cutting into our secret medical treatments held only for us elites! Imagine it! There go the profits and my prestige as supreme physician authority in these parts. Only you can give the death sentence.”

To Pilate, who had condemned thousands to death already in accordance with the Pharisee’s laws, Jesus was just a name, another fanatic, he hadn’t really followed the Jesus saga very closely, he was enamored of his Hebrew princess mistress of late and hadn’t had much time for anything else but courting and lusting after her.

He signed the death warrant and that was that. Jesus was arrested. Snuffy fought the Roman guards ferociously to protect her friend, but at the last, Jesus said to her, without speaking – “save yourself Snuffy, you can’t stop the whole Roman legion from arresting me!” A centurion was about to run Snuffy through with his sword, but the wolf-dog heard his friend loud and clear and being an animal with animal consciousness, she did not hesitate and escaped.

The Centurion said, “that dog bit me and took a chunk out my leg! It looked more like a wolf. If it wasn’t for my own Roman reverence for Romulus and Remus, I’d say we should hunt down and exterminate them all!” A Pharisee heard the Centurion and said, “we have no such myth as yours, we will pass on to all that come after us to exterminate the wolf wherever they exist, so you don’t have to and sheep will reign supreme as animals and as men who we control, for there will be no more wolves, either animal or human, when were are through.”

The great cobra, who was lying in the bushes nearby, heard all of this and was grim in his assessment. “Now it comes, the earth will suffer and all the wild things in it at the hand of these stupid people. One day, they will come to their senses, or they will be dust, and then we animals will have our paradise back.”

Gertrude was beside herself with doubt and guilt……”I told him we must go to the temple and find out about what the snake told us.” But the snake comforted her, speaking to her without speaking from the bushes where he lay concealed. “Beautiful Gertrude, friend of serpent kind and Jesus’ truest friend, they will curse you and I for two thousand years in their insanity, bearing false witness, yet a day will come when the black Hebrew prophet steps into the house of pain among kings and queens, he will set things right.”

The end