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25912 Posts in 9968 Topics by 982 Members Latest Member: - Ferguson Most online today: 31 (July 03, 2005, 06:25:30 PM)
+  Africa Speaks Reasoning Forum
| |-+  Relationships and Gender Issues (Moderators: Tyehimba, leslie)
| | |-+  What is the right thing?
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Author Topic: What is the right thing?  (Read 18547 times)
Posts: 2


« on: February 11, 2004, 11:39:51 PM »

Hi everyone,
I am new to this board. What I am about to write is more of a personal issue that I am having a really hard time in deciding what the right thing to do is. I really need the advice and help of other like minded people, rather than just my family, whom at times can be biased and have had some repercussions in the whole thing.  
In breif: I married my partner of 1.5 years in March of last year, I got pregnant with our child a month later. We moved back to Melbourne where my family is so that we cold have their support. I was 4 months by then. When we got here, my partner was always out playing Golf, and was not looking for work. He said to me that a guy form the golf course found him work. Blah blah it's a long story... but i was often at home on my own, while he was out with his mates getting drunk and coming home at 5 in the morning, and i had work the next day, (he was still not working nor was he looking for work, and we had debts t pay and a baby on the way)sometimes he didn't come home at all. We fought alot, he was violent with me, though he justifies the voilence by saying that I was always yelling at him and he wasn't going to put up with it. I was 6 months pregnant when he was voilent for the 3rd and last time. I left him and moved in with my sister. (There had been voilence previously in the relationship).
In the next month, i discovered that he had lied to me about his whole family, and a whole heap of other things, and I also found out that he had an affair, while I was pregnant, before I left him.
Now our baby is born and she is 6 weeks old. He says he loves me and that he wants to start again, but I just don't love him the same anymore and I can't trust him at all. He still tells little lies which to him he thinks is not harmful, but to me, Honesty has always been the biggest thing in my life. I have never put up with a liar in my life, and this was a huge one!
I don't know if not giving him another chance is not staying true to my Rastafarian way of life or if it still comes down to my morals, values and what I tolerate and don't tolerate.
Am I supposed to forgive him and give it another go, and loose the support of family?
I am so stuck, I will be forever grateful for the advice or just some words that might help me make the right choice here, from anyone.

Respect and more love

Posts: 1531

« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2004, 10:08:40 AM »

I am commenting simply based on your version of events:

In my opinion you did this whole thing wrong side. You did not take the time to learn the individual before sex and 'marriage' (I don't support marriage the way society sells it).

However you learnt the hard way what happens when people do not take the time to get to know people before engaging them. Now that is done, you are quite right not to trust the person and you can use the legal channels to get him to do his part in supporting the child. Also, if you did not report the abuses to the police you left him free to do it again, not only to you but also to other females. Males who resort to physical abuses do not easily get over them. You have to start with the legal system while learning of better ways to take care of yourself.

I would recommend that you invest some time looking into the many issues posted on the board, which can help you to discover more about yourself. You may realize more creative ways to deal with the many underlying issues that causes poor judgement. This could enable you to make a more informed decision in the future.  

Senior Member
Posts: 605

« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2004, 11:06:07 AM »

It sounds like he is the one having problems living up to the "Rastafarian" way of life....Ayide hit on everything else that needed to be said.


Forward to a united Africa!
Full Member
Posts: 417


« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2004, 12:40:27 PM »

Sheeesh... the guy is a useless piece of s*it.
You've been 'forgiving' enough by not smacking him in the face with a baseball bat... no need to carry the forgiveness any further than that in my opinion.
Forget him and move on. And no he doesn't have any right to see the youth, since by beating on you when you were pregnant he showed he didn't even care if s/he was born or not.
Posts: 41

RastafariSpeaks .com

« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2004, 05:25:30 PM »

Greetings Kaya_ragi,

just basically adding my support to what everyone has said so far. You owe it to yourself, and to your little one, to not put up with violence from anyone, least of all someone who supposedly loves you.

Having just been through the trauma of a marriage disolving myself i&i can fully overstand your desire to make things right, no matter what the cost. But you really have to take care of yourself  in this, because in doing so you will take care of your child as well. You need to be with someone who treats you as a queen, and who will tell you the truth. Nothing less is acceptable.

Still it is one of the hardest of lifes trials to bear. Know that others out here wish you well, and that in time the hurt will fade, and that as cliche as it sounds, this is a chance for growth and greater overstanding of self. As is all of life, joyous or otherwise.

Be kind to yourself

Nice to hear from another aussie ras!

love and life
paul (from brisvegas)
Posts: 2


« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2004, 11:44:18 PM »

To All,

Thank you so much all for your respones. You have all really helped me much in this hard time. You helped me be strong and you have made me realise that I need to be strong for my youth and for myself, also that I need to start caring for me and not worry about the man who lied and cheated and hurt me and my baby.

Thank you all so very much.

Much blessings

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